When I woke up this morning, I knew it was gonna be one of those days where everything changes forever and you realize what's truly important in life. As I got dressed and prepared for the day, birds chrpimg outside and unsupervised children laughing in the streets, I could feel something amazing growing deep within me.
That feeling was the sweet satisfaction of knowing I was getting an iPhone.
That's right bitches! Capital P, lowercase i. Read it and weep into your broken Blackberry trackball!
No longer will I have to wait until I get home to upload the picture of the bum I saw sitting outside ralphs. I can let everyone know exactly what I'm doing as I'm doing it. No longer will i have to watch TV on my 2 year old 72 inch flatscreen. I can use the YouTube app to watch kittens riding a roomba on my brand new 3.5 inch lcd screen. No longer will i have to waste my life tapping away on my fossil of a keyboard. I only need 2 fingers to use my ihpne key oars...and sometimes it even fills in the words for you!
I feel like I finally belong to an exclusive, ultramodern, elite club that has millions of members who can buy their way into it at anytime. This must be what Scientologists feel like every day. Like, today I went to the Apple store and flashed my iPhone like it was a costco membership card, and one of the employees came right up to me and was like, "Can I help you with anything?" He knew who I was. And I was like "Yeah, I need an iPhone case. Nothing too flashy, just something and ergonomic with a rubberized grip. Something see-thru so you can see the apple logo." He showed me exactly where they were and we talked iPhone case logistics for like 30 minutes.
I can't describe what it feels like to meet a complete stranger and connect with them instantly, simply because you have the same phone. It's kind of like meeting people when you're drunk, only you've been drinking from the digital cup in the iBeer app. At some point while we were bonding over how frustrating it is when you press the return key instead of delete, a non-iPhone person interrupted our conversation so she could buy an iTunes gift card. When she was done the employee and I exchanged knowing looks and I said, "Boy, what a piece of dust under your screen protector!" and we laughed for another 30 minutes and started a Words With Friends game and became Facebook friends right there on the spot.
After I left the apple store, I wandered through the mall and noticed that I had to walk through 4 or 5 annoying solicitors in order to get to the store I wanted to go to. But thanks to my trusty iPhone I was able to pretend I was preoccupied with some tedious web browsing and simply couldn’t partake in their free massages or Jesus pamphlets.
As I sit here typing this blog entry with 2 fingers, I can't help but think that thanks to the iPhone, no one has to know that I'm writing as I go to the bathroom except for the other women in the Glendale galleria public restroom. And they hardly matter, because they don't have an ihpine.
Sent from my iPhone
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I love the typos, gives it that true iPhone feeling.
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