yes...
yes...
YES!!!Congratulations Stephenie Meyer. You have reached commercial immortality.
11.30.2009
11.24.2009
The biggest decision you'll EVER have to make. EVER.
It's November. Time to choose. Time to weigh out our opinions, align our beliefs and decide what team we're on.
No, I'm not talking about elections. Politics are for old people that don't know how to use the internet. What I'm talking about is soooo much cooler. I mean, like hello, what else combines mythical creatures with cute boys?
TWILIGHT!!!!!!! OMGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!LA:TKshadkrsfafsajdfl;a
Sorry, my fingers got too excited typing the word "Twilight" and it just OM&;Sдfja;;wзbe;rjSLñ($rfu* went crazy. I even got some Russian symbols and a Spanish "n" out of it somehow. That's how amazing the Twilight saga is. It's possessing my hand.
Hmmm, buff dogs or pretty bloodsuckers? I can't decide. I'll take both please!
So what team are YOU? Team Jacob or Team Edward?? If you can't decide, then you are an emotionless shell of a human being with no soul. Every woman knows that Jacob and Edward are the truest representations of love.
If you've been living under a rock, let me break it down for you. There are two kinds of men in the world, werewolves (Jacob) and vampires (Edward). You either like one or the other. Those on Team Jacob like their men strong, dark, loyal, and hairy, kind of like dogs. Men like Jacob will love a girl unconditionally and go through any lengths to make her happy. Like, he'll tag along to a lame movie with you so that creepy boy that asked you out won't think it's a date. Jacob is the kind of guy that makes girls feel good about themselves, and is the ideal boyfriend for girls with insecurity issues (too bad insecure girls never date nice guys).The down side is putting up with the constant mood swings and his disappearing for days at a time. They have a tendency to get violent too, but they never mean to hurt you.
Team Edward fans like their men pretty, pale, and cold (both physically and emotionally). Men like Edward usually convey their feelings through long periods of intense eye contact and heavy breathing, as well as casual stalking. He'll never really kiss you, because kissing you is too "painful" or whatever. He'll leave you for your own good, run off to Rio de Janeiro, and then mope around there for 6 months before attempting to commit suicide when he thinks you're dead. Awww how sweet! Isn't that what true love is all about?
If my explanation of the Edward-Jacob dichotomy isn't enough for you, go see New Moon. It's full of intense stares, heavy breathing, and men ripping off their shirts...in the rain...mmmm (omg I think I'm drooling! shhhhh don't tell anyone). And there's some vampire-werewolf action, so you can drag along your lame boyfriend and show him what a REAL man is all about. Whether you pick Team Jacob or Team Edward, it's all up to you and your taste. Me personally, I'm on Team Zac. I think the next Twilight sequel should add Zac Efron as a new character. Maybe a centaur? That would be sooooo hot. Shirtless Zac Efron with horse legs <3! Did I mention SHIRTLESS? In the RAIN?! OMGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!
*This blog was written from the POV of a fictional hormonal teenage girl and in no way reflects the opinions of the writer. In other words, I'm not really like this. Really. I'm not.
No, I'm not talking about elections. Politics are for old people that don't know how to use the internet. What I'm talking about is soooo much cooler. I mean, like hello, what else combines mythical creatures with cute boys?
TWILIGHT!!!!!!! OMGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!LA:TKshadkrsfafsajdfl;a
Sorry, my fingers got too excited typing the word "Twilight" and it just OM&;Sдfja;;wзbe;rjSLñ($rfu* went crazy. I even got some Russian symbols and a Spanish "n" out of it somehow. That's how amazing the Twilight saga is. It's possessing my hand.
Hmmm, buff dogs or pretty bloodsuckers? I can't decide. I'll take both please!So what team are YOU? Team Jacob or Team Edward?? If you can't decide, then you are an emotionless shell of a human being with no soul. Every woman knows that Jacob and Edward are the truest representations of love.
If you've been living under a rock, let me break it down for you. There are two kinds of men in the world, werewolves (Jacob) and vampires (Edward). You either like one or the other. Those on Team Jacob like their men strong, dark, loyal, and hairy, kind of like dogs. Men like Jacob will love a girl unconditionally and go through any lengths to make her happy. Like, he'll tag along to a lame movie with you so that creepy boy that asked you out won't think it's a date. Jacob is the kind of guy that makes girls feel good about themselves, and is the ideal boyfriend for girls with insecurity issues (too bad insecure girls never date nice guys).The down side is putting up with the constant mood swings and his disappearing for days at a time. They have a tendency to get violent too, but they never mean to hurt you.
Team Edward fans like their men pretty, pale, and cold (both physically and emotionally). Men like Edward usually convey their feelings through long periods of intense eye contact and heavy breathing, as well as casual stalking. He'll never really kiss you, because kissing you is too "painful" or whatever. He'll leave you for your own good, run off to Rio de Janeiro, and then mope around there for 6 months before attempting to commit suicide when he thinks you're dead. Awww how sweet! Isn't that what true love is all about?
If my explanation of the Edward-Jacob dichotomy isn't enough for you, go see New Moon. It's full of intense stares, heavy breathing, and men ripping off their shirts...in the rain...mmmm (omg I think I'm drooling! shhhhh don't tell anyone). And there's some vampire-werewolf action, so you can drag along your lame boyfriend and show him what a REAL man is all about. Whether you pick Team Jacob or Team Edward, it's all up to you and your taste. Me personally, I'm on Team Zac. I think the next Twilight sequel should add Zac Efron as a new character. Maybe a centaur? That would be sooooo hot. Shirtless Zac Efron with horse legs <3! Did I mention SHIRTLESS? In the RAIN?! OMGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!
*This blog was written from the POV of a fictional hormonal teenage girl and in no way reflects the opinions of the writer. In other words, I'm not really like this. Really. I'm not.
11.19.2009
Who WOULDN'T want this? People who aren't straight, that's who.
Oh man, bro, you won't believe what I just found out about. Seriously, you will shit all the rhinestone studs out of your jeans when u find out what unbelievably awesome thing I'm totally getting and ur not. So, I was bored out of my mind at this funeral my girlfriend dragged me to and pissed that she wouldn't let me wear my new Ed Hardy jeans (even tho they were black!), so I stopped talking to people and started playing with my iPhone. After I finished watching all the YouTube clips that came up when I searched "hot chicks tigers awesome bikini jump," I started checking my email and this amazing fucker came up:
Ed Hardy styling tools?! FUCK THE HELL YEAH! Dude, how fly will it be to blow dry my hair with a tattooed blow dryer that says "Love Kills Slowly" on it. That shit is so relevant. You can't tell me that won't be tight. If you do anything other than agree with me, ur so gay. Yeah, I know I found out about this because I'm on the email list for Ulta. So what? My blow dryer has a skull on it. What does yours have? A fucking Revlon label? Yeah, that's what I thought.
And how much ass am I gonna get when I give my girlfriend a hair straightener with a fucking geisha on it. She's gonna be so grateful, she's gonna sweat all her sunless tanner off onto my sunless tanned body. You know what I mean. She's gonna put on the Ed Hardy lingerie I gave her for her birthday, and it's gonna get so rough that all the flame embroidery will come undone and we're gonna forget that we're 41 and 38 years old. That Ed Hardy guy is a genius. I mean, what better way to motivate chicks to keep their hair straight than to put an Asian chick on a straightener, right? Asian hair is like, straighter than I insist on acting like I am.
I'm so ready for these styling tools, bro. See the 30 inch tiger busting out of a stabbed heart on my Ed Hardy shirt? That's what I feel like right now. I'm about to pound a Rockstar, rip another 1/8 inch hole into my shirt, and bust into Ulta with $200 cash to pay for this Ed Hardy shit. Whaddaya mean that's too much money? They're on fucking sale! Tell ya what: why don't you go home to your Revlon styling tools and see if a non-Ed Hardy straightener is enough to make YOU straight. If u need me, you can find me at Ulta, bitch.
11.03.2009
The College Board Crooks
Not to toot my own horn, but I was a top student in high school. My schedule was packed with honors and AP classes and extracurricular activities galore. I maintained a GPA of 3.9 (unweighted, that is) and still had time to tutor my peers.
However, this all came crashing down spring of 2002, my senior year. I remember my dad coming in with the mail, and amid the Penny Savers and dELiA*s catalogs and other junk there was a slender envelope from the University of California Los Angeles. A call from my Mecca. I neatly sliced open one end of the envelope with a butter knife in hopes that I would save my first acceptance letter from my dream school. Lesson learned: light envelopes from schools was a big fat sign of rejection.
The torture and pain didn't stop there. I went to my AP English class the next day to find half of the class dancing in elation, and the other half sulking in resentment like me. But my teacher really topped that sundae of depression with a stinging cherry when he announced that Roger, the student I had been tutoring in both English and Calculus, got accepted to Harvard University.
Wtf?
How the hell did this happen? What kind of crazy world do we live in? I'll tell you. It's the kind of world where your whole future depends on a stupid 4 hour test. A test not of intellect nor skills, but of memorizing and regurgitating bullshit. The SATs.
The SATs is perhaps one of the biggest scams in academic history. This standardized test that is supposed to ease the application review process has become a crutch for university admissions offices. Pretty much anyone who doesn't get a less than stellar performance on this P.O.S. test is thrown into the reject pile, without any regard to scholastic performance, talent, or any other je ne sais quoi that can't be measured by numbers. Albert Einstein failed math; who knows what other geniuses our oh-so-fine education system may turn down.
So in order to even get a second glance from the lazy admissions boards, one must get a high score. But no matter how much they drill you in English class with SAT vocab, you'll only recognize 25% of the words on the test because they pull the other 75% out of their asses. So in order to get a high score, you must learn how to take the test (oh yes, that makes perfect sense). This means SAT school, which costs $3,000...minimum.
Which leads back to my theory that the SATs is the biggest scam ever. They have a monopoly on higher education. Think about it; 99.9997% of all universities require SAT scores for admission. So let's say only half of American high school students take the test; that's about 5 million. Test fees are about $50. That's $250 million of revenue generated. And that's not including retakes, SAT II, or licensing fees for the SAT classes. Does it really cost hundreds of millions of dollars to administer a test?
So I'm calling you out, College Board, you and your unsatisfactory rating with the Better Business Bureau. And I'm especially calling you out CEO Gaston Caperton, you and your $850K annual salary. A non-profit organization making millions without actually helping young people better their future? It's a catch-22, a scheme for the rich to stay rich and the poor to lay struggling in the trenches. Ok, maybe that's a little extreme. But there are alternative solutions to a standardized exam monopoly. Colleges could create their own tests for applicants to take. And the $50 per student for test fees? How about that actually going to subsidize student fees? I'm sure those schools would rather take that $250 million for themselves than let Caperton wipe his butt with it.
However, this all came crashing down spring of 2002, my senior year. I remember my dad coming in with the mail, and amid the Penny Savers and dELiA*s catalogs and other junk there was a slender envelope from the University of California Los Angeles. A call from my Mecca. I neatly sliced open one end of the envelope with a butter knife in hopes that I would save my first acceptance letter from my dream school. Lesson learned: light envelopes from schools was a big fat sign of rejection.
The torture and pain didn't stop there. I went to my AP English class the next day to find half of the class dancing in elation, and the other half sulking in resentment like me. But my teacher really topped that sundae of depression with a stinging cherry when he announced that Roger, the student I had been tutoring in both English and Calculus, got accepted to Harvard University.
Wtf?
How the hell did this happen? What kind of crazy world do we live in? I'll tell you. It's the kind of world where your whole future depends on a stupid 4 hour test. A test not of intellect nor skills, but of memorizing and regurgitating bullshit. The SATs.
The SATs is perhaps one of the biggest scams in academic history. This standardized test that is supposed to ease the application review process has become a crutch for university admissions offices. Pretty much anyone who doesn't get a less than stellar performance on this P.O.S. test is thrown into the reject pile, without any regard to scholastic performance, talent, or any other je ne sais quoi that can't be measured by numbers. Albert Einstein failed math; who knows what other geniuses our oh-so-fine education system may turn down.
So in order to even get a second glance from the lazy admissions boards, one must get a high score. But no matter how much they drill you in English class with SAT vocab, you'll only recognize 25% of the words on the test because they pull the other 75% out of their asses. So in order to get a high score, you must learn how to take the test (oh yes, that makes perfect sense). This means SAT school, which costs $3,000...minimum.
Which leads back to my theory that the SATs is the biggest scam ever. They have a monopoly on higher education. Think about it; 99.9997% of all universities require SAT scores for admission. So let's say only half of American high school students take the test; that's about 5 million. Test fees are about $50. That's $250 million of revenue generated. And that's not including retakes, SAT II, or licensing fees for the SAT classes. Does it really cost hundreds of millions of dollars to administer a test?
So I'm calling you out, College Board, you and your unsatisfactory rating with the Better Business Bureau. And I'm especially calling you out CEO Gaston Caperton, you and your $850K annual salary. A non-profit organization making millions without actually helping young people better their future? It's a catch-22, a scheme for the rich to stay rich and the poor to lay struggling in the trenches. Ok, maybe that's a little extreme. But there are alternative solutions to a standardized exam monopoly. Colleges could create their own tests for applicants to take. And the $50 per student for test fees? How about that actually going to subsidize student fees? I'm sure those schools would rather take that $250 million for themselves than let Caperton wipe his butt with it.
11.02.2009
Who CASTS these things?!
The trailer for Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans:
Upon watching this trailer, my first thought is not "This movie looks absolutely terrible and my parents will probably go watch it." It is not "Wow, Xzibit's real name is Alvin. What kind of name is Xzibit?" It's not even "We've been watching Nicolas Cage go through a midlife crisis via bad movies for the past 3 years. Enough already."
The thing that makes this movie completely unconvincing and negates any kind of empathy anyone could have towards Nicolas Cage's character is the fact that EVA MENDES was cast as NICOLAS CAGE'S WIFE.
Who would go with that?!
I miiiiight have been okay with this if this was the first time this has happened. But no. Diane Kruger was his love interest in National Treasure. And the worst case of the bunch: Jessica Biel was his love interest in Next. I remember reading this screenplay before the movie was released and thinking "Nicolas Cage?! Keanu Reeves would do a better job!" That's how bad that decision was. Fun fact: A steamy sex scene was originally written for Jessica and Nick Cage's characters. It must've gotten cut on the grounds that it would have made everyone extremely uncomfortable had they seen it. They are 18 years apart. He's old enough to be her accidental father. I'm sure there are like 5 more Nick Cage movies in which his love interest is a thousand leagues out of his league, but I haven't watched any of them because I'm not a masochist.
Aaaand I just found out that this isn't the first time Eva Mendes was cast as Nick Cage's love interest. She played his ex-girlfriend in Ghost Rider. This does not justify the Bad Lieutenant situation one bit. Maybe she's hoping for some industry cred for taking on the difficult role of Someone Who's Attracted to Nicolas Cage. Little does she know she'll have to play George Lopez's straight-to-TV wife as well in order to truly earn that cred.
I am now waiting for the day when Dakota Fanning will play Nicolas Cage's estranged wife. The role would be her ticket to finally getting an Oscar.
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