The Sexiest Game

Ladies, are you looking for some eye candy willing to do anything you say? Fellas, do you seek a promiscuous woman looking for a good time (and not a committed relationship)?

Well get your hunting gear ready, because you're on the prowl with...

COUGARLIFE.com! Rawr!!!

Here experienced cougars can find virile cubs ready to get wild. Grrrrr!

Meet Its_McLovin, a 19 year old guy who wants "someone to bone down with...spend a night or two hot and heavy between the sheets."

A little too blunt for you? He is only 19 after all. Perhaps someone a little more poetic, like Loveoc, a 23 year old Gemini looking for "that girl that will rock my world." Deep stuff.

Looking for a long term relationship? Forget about it. Maybe you'll have better luck on eHarmony. Everyone on Cougarlife knows what they want, and they want it now. Like what Just_Lust says in her byline "Isn't that why we're all here?" These cougars ain't got all the time in the world, they got too much shit to deal with. Careers. Families. Menopause.

Take MaterialMOM, so proud of her children her byline reads "I'm the mother of a slunt." You can probably guess who her daughter takes after.

Anyone can have their pick of the litter (no pun intended). Looking for a hot divorcee that runs a successful law firm? Got it. Or perhaps a young surfer with no real paying job but abs of steel? Got that too. Women can get their freak on and not worry about their partner breaking a hip. Guys can have gratuitous sex and not worry about their partner getting knocked up.

So pop open a bottle of champagne, bust out your softest velour sheets, and put some Kenny G on the record player. Sexy time starts now.

Top V-Day Gifts of 2010

Alright guys, Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Time to break open your piggy bank, dig between your couch cushions, and scrape up any spare change you got to get your honey a little token of affection. This year, why not stray away from the usual fare of flowers and chocolates and get her something extra special?

1. When a card just isn't enough...


Has your lady been bugging you for a shitzipoo puppy? Well if you can't afford a $2000 genetically engineered crossbreed, you can still tell her "I love you" with fake dog crap. When she wakes up and finds this message of poo waiting for her on the floor, maybe she'll rethink about getting that dog.

2. Spice up the bedroom


Victoria's Secrets? Please, that is soooooo last decade. Nothing says sexy like a full coverage footie pajama from Pajamagram. Velour is the newest afrodisiac. Bonus: it comes with a hoodie!

3. For the jealous type...


If you've been having trust issues in your relationship, technology has the cure: the modern day chastity belt! This full lingerie set comes with a negligee, panty, and GPS tracking system. She'll love that you'll stop badgering her with accusations, and all you need is a smartphone or laptop to keep track of your woman 24/7.

What, this? Oh. That's just my iPhone.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it was gonna be one of those days where everything changes forever and you realize what's truly important in life. As I got dressed and prepared for the day, birds chrpimg outside and unsupervised children laughing in the streets, I could feel something amazing growing deep within me.

That feeling was the sweet satisfaction of knowing I was getting an iPhone.

That's right bitches! Capital P, lowercase i. Read it and weep into your broken Blackberry trackball!

No longer will I have to wait until I get home to upload the picture of the bum I saw sitting outside ralphs. I can let everyone know exactly what I'm doing as I'm doing it. No longer will i have to watch TV on my 2 year old 72 inch flatscreen. I can use the YouTube app to watch kittens riding a roomba on my brand new 3.5 inch lcd screen. No longer will i have to waste my life tapping away on my fossil of a keyboard. I only need 2 fingers to use my ihpne key oars...and sometimes it even fills in the words for you!

I feel like I finally belong to an exclusive, ultramodern, elite club that has millions of members who can buy their way into it at anytime. This must be what Scientologists feel like every day. Like, today I went to the Apple store and flashed my iPhone like it was a costco membership card, and one of the employees came right up to me and was like, "Can I help you with anything?" He knew who I was. And I was like "Yeah, I need an iPhone case. Nothing too flashy, just something and ergonomic with a rubberized grip. Something see-thru so you can see the apple logo." He showed me exactly where they were and we talked iPhone case logistics for like 30 minutes.

I can't describe what it feels like to meet a complete stranger and connect with them instantly, simply because you have the same phone. It's kind of like meeting people when you're drunk, only you've been drinking from the digital cup in the iBeer app. At some point while we were bonding over how frustrating it is when you press the return key instead of delete, a non-iPhone person interrupted our conversation so she could buy an iTunes gift card. When she was done the employee and I exchanged knowing looks and I said, "Boy, what a piece of dust under your screen protector!" and we laughed for another 30 minutes and started a Words With Friends game and became Facebook friends right there on the spot.

After I left the apple store, I wandered through the mall and noticed that I had to walk through 4 or 5 annoying solicitors in order to get to the store I wanted to go to. But thanks to my trusty iPhone I was able to pretend I was preoccupied with some tedious web browsing and simply couldn’t partake in their free massages or Jesus pamphlets.

As I sit here typing this blog entry with 2 fingers, I can't help but think that thanks to the iPhone, no one has to know that I'm writing as I go to the bathroom except for the other women in the Glendale galleria public restroom. And they hardly matter, because they don't have an ihpine.


Sent from my iPhone

Rock the Vote...but not your bed

Prostitution has finally reached a new level! Before, sex was exchanged for money or drugs. Now it can seen as an honorable, intelligent practice; it's being used to push political agendas:



This is propaganda at its finest; it's pretty much sitting on the border of brainwash. The ad is so brazen, I honestly thought it was a joke. But it's for reals, y'all. Not down with ObamaCare? Not only are you racist, but you're not getting any. Loser.

The funny thing is there is no vote to rock. The health care bill has already been passed by Congress (though it hasn't actually been written yet). They're just trying to get everyone's blessing so people won't raise hell when they realize half of their paycheck is gone. But why all the hardcore lobbying? I believe the harder you sell, the shittier the product. And that's probably what our new health care system is going to be: a super shitty as-seen-on-TV product with no refunds or exchanges. And it's not only 3 easy payments of $19.99.

And isn't the point of educating yourself is to learn all the facts and make your OWN decision based on that? Well according to the peeps at Rock the Vote, "education" means to agree with whatever they think. If you have read all the facts and still disagree with them, not only are you a racist virgin, but you're also stupid.

I have to admit, the no-nookie tactic can be pretty effective. Withholding sex has been used by women for years to get what they want. But now His Majesty is encouraging humans to use the power of manipulation for his gain. His target audience: people ages 18-30, aka the "people most affected by health care" (funny, I thought it would be old people and children). Why? Is it because we're the largest demographic in the work force? Is it because after Obama's campaign we have a newfound interest in politics? Perhaps it's because "those who have youth on their side control the future".

That last quote was from Adolf Hitler.

ROCKIN' TRAILERS PERIOD PIECES KICKASS NOTHING!

Dude bro. Dude. Bro. I am about to show you the best thing ever made in the history of things that were made.

DUDE! BRO! Doesn't this make you want to destruct things?! You can't sit through these trailers and not want to fight your best friend. I cannot tell you how much I fucking love trailers for period pieces set to rock music where no one says anything. It's like, my three favorite things all rolled into one thing. 1.) Trailers. They show you all the best parts but you don't have to sit through the whole thing. I wish women were more like trailers. 2.) Rock music. A fucking awesome combo of sounds that get you PUMPED. I wish women combos were more like rock music. 3.) No one says anything. I wish women were more like not saying anything.

I don't really give a crap about the whole period piece thing. I'm pretty sure history was just invented by smart people so that they can have conversations with other people who aren't their age. But that's stupid because that's what "The Simpsons" is for! And I know rock music wasn't around for that time period, but if rock music wasn't in the trailer, I wouldn't know I'm supposed to like the movie. Like, I know I won't like indie films because the music in the trailers are fucking gentle and acoustic and shit. That music makes me feel like I'm rubbing a tampon on a balloon under a waterfall. This music makes me feel like I'm thrusting a stalagmite through a dragon's heart in my girlfriend's dad's bedroom. P.S. I'm shirtless.

My girlfriend thinks I should learn about history so that I know what not to do. But after watching these trailers, I'm pretty sure history will only teach me exactly what it is I want to do, and that is KICK SOME ASS WHILE FUCKING METALLICA PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

I wish women didn't have period pieces.