When I woke up this morning, I knew it was gonna be one of those days where everything changes forever and you realize what's truly important in life. As I got dressed and prepared for the day, birds chrpimg outside and unsupervised children laughing in the streets, I could feel something amazing growing deep within me.
That feeling was the sweet satisfaction of knowing I was getting an iPhone.
That's right bitches! Capital P, lowercase i. Read it and weep into your broken Blackberry trackball!
No longer will I have to wait until I get home to upload the picture of the bum I saw sitting outside ralphs. I can let everyone know exactly what I'm doing as I'm doing it. No longer will i have to watch TV on my 2 year old 72 inch flatscreen. I can use the YouTube app to watch kittens riding a roomba on my brand new 3.5 inch lcd screen. No longer will i have to waste my life tapping away on my fossil of a keyboard. I only need 2 fingers to use my ihpne key oars...and sometimes it even fills in the words for you!
I feel like I finally belong to an exclusive, ultramodern, elite club that has millions of members who can buy their way into it at anytime. This must be what Scientologists feel like every day. Like, today I went to the Apple store and flashed my iPhone like it was a costco membership card, and one of the employees came right up to me and was like, "Can I help you with anything?" He knew who I was. And I was like "Yeah, I need an iPhone case. Nothing too flashy, just something and ergonomic with a rubberized grip. Something see-thru so you can see the apple logo." He showed me exactly where they were and we talked iPhone case logistics for like 30 minutes.
I can't describe what it feels like to meet a complete stranger and connect with them instantly, simply because you have the same phone. It's kind of like meeting people when you're drunk, only you've been drinking from the digital cup in the iBeer app. At some point while we were bonding over how frustrating it is when you press the return key instead of delete, a non-iPhone person interrupted our conversation so she could buy an iTunes gift card. When she was done the employee and I exchanged knowing looks and I said, "Boy, what a piece of dust under your screen protector!" and we laughed for another 30 minutes and started a Words With Friends game and became Facebook friends right there on the spot.
After I left the apple store, I wandered through the mall and noticed that I had to walk through 4 or 5 annoying solicitors in order to get to the store I wanted to go to. But thanks to my trusty iPhone I was able to pretend I was preoccupied with some tedious web browsing and simply couldn’t partake in their free massages or Jesus pamphlets.
As I sit here typing this blog entry with 2 fingers, I can't help but think that thanks to the iPhone, no one has to know that I'm writing as I go to the bathroom except for the other women in the Glendale galleria public restroom. And they hardly matter, because they don't have an ihpine.
Sent from my iPhone
1.07.2010
Rock the Vote...but not your bed
Prostitution has finally reached a new level! Before, sex was exchanged for money or drugs. Now it can seen as an honorable, intelligent practice; it's being used to push political agendas:
This is propaganda at its finest; it's pretty much sitting on the border of brainwash. The ad is so brazen, I honestly thought it was a joke. But it's for reals, y'all. Not down with ObamaCare? Not only are you racist, but you're not getting any. Loser.
The funny thing is there is no vote to rock. The health care bill has already been passed by Congress (though it hasn't actually been written yet). They're just trying to get everyone's blessing so people won't raise hell when they realize half of their paycheck is gone. But why all the hardcore lobbying? I believe the harder you sell, the shittier the product. And that's probably what our new health care system is going to be: a super shitty as-seen-on-TV product with no refunds or exchanges. And it's not only 3 easy payments of $19.99.
And isn't the point of educating yourself is to learn all the facts and make your OWN decision based on that? Well according to the peeps at Rock the Vote, "education" means to agree with whatever they think. If you have read all the facts and still disagree with them, not only are you a racist virgin, but you're also stupid.
I have to admit, the no-nookie tactic can be pretty effective. Withholding sex has been used by women for years to get what they want. But now His Majesty is encouraging humans to use the power of manipulation for his gain. His target audience: people ages 18-30, aka the "people most affected by health care" (funny, I thought it would be old people and children). Why? Is it because we're the largest demographic in the work force? Is it because after Obama's campaign we have a newfound interest in politics? Perhaps it's because "those who have youth on their side control the future".
That last quote was from Adolf Hitler.
This is propaganda at its finest; it's pretty much sitting on the border of brainwash. The ad is so brazen, I honestly thought it was a joke. But it's for reals, y'all. Not down with ObamaCare? Not only are you racist, but you're not getting any. Loser.
The funny thing is there is no vote to rock. The health care bill has already been passed by Congress (though it hasn't actually been written yet). They're just trying to get everyone's blessing so people won't raise hell when they realize half of their paycheck is gone. But why all the hardcore lobbying? I believe the harder you sell, the shittier the product. And that's probably what our new health care system is going to be: a super shitty as-seen-on-TV product with no refunds or exchanges. And it's not only 3 easy payments of $19.99.
And isn't the point of educating yourself is to learn all the facts and make your OWN decision based on that? Well according to the peeps at Rock the Vote, "education" means to agree with whatever they think. If you have read all the facts and still disagree with them, not only are you a racist virgin, but you're also stupid.
I have to admit, the no-nookie tactic can be pretty effective. Withholding sex has been used by women for years to get what they want. But now His Majesty is encouraging humans to use the power of manipulation for his gain. His target audience: people ages 18-30, aka the "people most affected by health care" (funny, I thought it would be old people and children). Why? Is it because we're the largest demographic in the work force? Is it because after Obama's campaign we have a newfound interest in politics? Perhaps it's because "those who have youth on their side control the future".
That last quote was from Adolf Hitler.
1.05.2010
ROCKIN' TRAILERS PERIOD PIECES KICKASS NOTHING!
Dude bro. Dude. Bro. I am about to show you the best thing ever made in the history of things that were made.
DUDE! BRO! Doesn't this make you want to destruct things?! You can't sit through these trailers and not want to fight your best friend. I cannot tell you how much I fucking love trailers for period pieces set to rock music where no one says anything. It's like, my three favorite things all rolled into one thing. 1.) Trailers. They show you all the best parts but you don't have to sit through the whole thing. I wish women were more like trailers. 2.) Rock music. A fucking awesome combo of sounds that get you PUMPED. I wish women combos were more like rock music. 3.) No one says anything. I wish women were more like not saying anything.
I don't really give a crap about the whole period piece thing. I'm pretty sure history was just invented by smart people so that they can have conversations with other people who aren't their age. But that's stupid because that's what "The Simpsons" is for! And I know rock music wasn't around for that time period, but if rock music wasn't in the trailer, I wouldn't know I'm supposed to like the movie. Like, I know I won't like indie films because the music in the trailers are fucking gentle and acoustic and shit. That music makes me feel like I'm rubbing a tampon on a balloon under a waterfall. This music makes me feel like I'm thrusting a stalagmite through a dragon's heart in my girlfriend's dad's bedroom. P.S. I'm shirtless.
My girlfriend thinks I should learn about history so that I know what not to do. But after watching these trailers, I'm pretty sure history will only teach me exactly what it is I want to do, and that is KICK SOME ASS WHILE FUCKING METALLICA PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.
I wish women didn't have period pieces.
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