Halloween is Racist

That's right, Halloween is racist. More specifically, it was not meant for Asian people. If you're like me, you're someone who likes the idea of Halloween, but doesn't want to put that much effort into their costume. But if you're gonna dress up, you don't want to be something generic, like a cheerleader or a nerd. If you're white, you're lucky because you can just put on a suit, slick your hair back, create uncomfortable situations and be Michael Scott. A girl could throw on a short black wig with blunt bangs and a black dress and be Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction. People will get it. If an Asian guy puts on a suit and slicks his hair back, people will think he’s an Asian gangster. They will also think he's too lazy to come up with a less lazy Halloween costume and that he's an asshole for creating uncomfortable situations. If I were to put on a short black wig with bangs, people would think I’m Ms. Swan or Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa (by the way, when did this hairstyle become a token Asian woman thing?). If you’re Asian and you want your face to be part of your costume but you don’t want to be an elaborate anime character, and you don't want to be anything generic, you’re limited to the following costumes:

If you're a guy:
Bruce Lee
Jackie Chan
Jet Li
Yao Ming
Manny Pacquiao
A background guy from The Fast and the Furious
Ryu or E. Honda (video game characters are borderline anime characters)
Hiro from Heroes
(By the way, you would have to explain all of these costumes, or walk around with a name tag.)

If you're a girl:
Mulan (but people might thing you're a geisha)
Nail Salon Employee
Obscure mutants from X-Men, like that chick that was like Wolverine but with nails instead of claws (See costume above: coincidence?)
Trini, the yellow Power Ranger
Tila Tequila
Kristi Yamaguchi
Cho Chang
Lucy Liu (I have no idea how anyone could even dress up like her and be recognized as such. People would just think you're too lazy to come up with a real costume.)
Gi from Captain Planet (also involves a short black wig with blunt bangs)

Here's a fun fact: I Googled "Famous Asians" and clicked on the first link that came up, and it was a list of 8 people. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying...you're not making it easy for us, Halloween.

**This situation can, of course, be applied to other minorities. But I'm writing about my personal experience here. Also, I'm more inclined to offend the minority of which I'm part of because it works as an excuse for when people call me racist.

The American Apparel Employee Contract

Congratulations on becoming a new employee of an American Apparel Los Angeles store! You have been chosen amongst a large pool of more qualified applicants because this is LA, and you look the part. As you know, LA is the center of American Apparel headquarters, therefore, our LA employees are held to a higher standard than your typical AA store. As such, it is necessary that you sign the below contract:

Recession? Bring it on.

Everyone's been talking about the recession. "There's been a lot of cutbacks at work because of the recession." "Toothpaste doubled in price. Must be the recession." "My mom won't let me play outside because of the recession."

People are treating the recession like it's an epidemic. Wake up folks. This has happened multiple times in history. The problem is we have been sheltered for so long we don't know how to take the financial punches when they come. Don't get me wrong, the recession sucks balls. I can easily name 10 people I know personally that's out of work, not including me. But this recession is here to stay, at least for the next few years. Now it's time to sit back at look at the perks of this recession.

1. The Recession Diet: More effective than Weight Watchers, cheaper than Jenny Craig. I lost 10 pounds in 3 months following the recession diet. And it didn't just work for me; it has worked for all of my friends that followed it.

Here's what you do: 1) Lose your job. 2) Settle for a part time job as a waitress/barista/cashier at a cafe or restaurant. 3) Live off of free food you can sneak out of the kitchen; most places it's usually bread or celery. 4) Treat yourself every once in a while. Make a "mistake" when taking an order. Try to limit it to once every other week so it won't seem like you suck at your job.

If you can't find restaurant work, or just don't want to, there are alternative plans. Go to all your local fast food joints collect all the crackers, ketchup, hot sauce, and ranch you can find. Boom! Sandwiches for days. When guests come over, offer them as hors d'oeuvres.
*The key to this diet is realizing that you were once eating like a fat ass and that you really don't need to eat 3000 calories a day. Save your life...and your wallet.

2. Improve your love life: What's the cheapest form of entertainment? Sex. It's practically free. Unless you're in Amsterdam.

According to Trojan® Brand Condoms, condom sales are up 5% over last year. Are Americans turning into sluts? No, that happened 10 years ago with the rise of Britney Spears and skimpy Halloween costumes. The fact is people are just bored and broke, and sex is just...there.

3. Stop and smell the roses: Life is beautiful. And it's doesn't cost a dime to appreciate it. Just take a walk outside. Look at the view of the valley from a hilltop. Listen to the pigeons coo. There's more to life than fancy cars and limited edition Nikes and Louis Vuitton purses. And when did jeans become so damn expensive?

Now that you've lost your job and have all this free time, try to enjoy it a little. Spend a little QT with your friends and family. Play a rousing game of Monopoly. Go hiking at a local park. If your friends think that's lame, then they're not your real friends. It's time to replace them with robots.

The Typical Day of Michael Bay

Every day, Michael Bay wakes up to an eyeful of lens flare. There is no sun or window in his line of vision that could create a lens flare, but he had one artificially installed so he could wake up to what he thinks is a visually stimulating sight. He throws his leather bed sheets in the wash because they’re riddled with orange smudges from the full body makeup he wears to look tan. He washes his face, then covers it in baby oil so the sun will hit every bit of stubble in just the right way.

Michael Bay walks outside and makes awkward yet polite conversation with the long-haired brunette neighbor who is watering the lawn in a white dress. Also, she’s the love of his live and also, she’s conveniently located right next door to him. He offers to help her but accidentally sprays her with water in the process. He apologizes profusely but doesn’t turn off the water or take his eyes off her. Then her douchebag fiancé comes out. Him and his football jersey get wet too. Everybody’s moist. Michael Bay leaves, embarrassed, and that’s how you know you’re supposed to like him.

Michael Bay begins his morning commute. The radio announces something ominous and foreboding, but Michael Bay changes the station to a Linkin Park song. Everything is normal normal normal normalnormalthensuddenly EXPLOSION! Michael Bay swerves to avoid hitting attractive pedestrians, old people in wheelchairs, the neighbor chick (who somehow walked 3 miles from her house to here in 5 minutes) and a puppy. Michael Bay jumps out of his car moments before it explodes and lands in a bed of carnations. His radio lands next to him and he hears that Los Angeles is in a crisis because someone is exploding things for no reason! What kind of sick uncreative bastard would do such a thing? Michael Bay doesn’t know, but clearly it’s up to him, a regular person, to save everyone and not call the cops.

Michael Bay looks around and sees that the neighbor chick’s dress is on fire so he repeatedly throws himself against her until it goes out. He quickly grabs the neighbor chick and pulls her onto the motorcycle he now has and knows how to ride. “Clearly the solution to this problem is somewhere in America, but all the way across town from where we are right now.” Then he gives her a carnation. She tells him she’ll help, disobeying direct orders from her father. Problem is, now they have to meet several semi-interesting characters on the way to across town. All these characters will be good-looking experts on anything they need to know about everything that’s happening to them. At first they won’t want to help Michael Bay because he storms into their lab and is all like “The world is ending, you have to help us!” and they don’t believe him because his outfit is dirty and he used clever trickery to get past security. But then someone they care about dies or almost dies, so they decide to help him after all. All the while, things continue to explode inexplicably, each instance even more inexplicable than the last.

Somehow, Michael Bay and neighbor chick make it to the place they’re supposed to be with negative 3 gallons of gas left in the tank, a flat tire, and a kid. Michael Bay tells the kid to stay put so that he and neighbor chick can run in slow motion while holding hands. They jump over the moat of lava that protects the building and land in a sandbox. As soon as they get out of the sandbox, the sandbox explodes! Michael Bay: “We gotta move quick! The solution is on the 5th floor. Clearly the best way to get there is to not take the stairs or the elevator, but to use this grappling hook and struggle to climb up.” Michael Bay fires the grappling hook he had in his pocket this whole time and starts to climb up, followed by the neighbor chick. Suddenly, the rope explodes right by the neighbor chick! She is now holding on to dear life by the thread of Michael Bay’s wispy leg. “Your leather pants are too slippery! I can’t hold on much longer!” she cries. Just then the neighbor chick’s skirt explodes, but instead of killing her, the explosion catapults her to the 5th floor. She then pulls Michael Bay up to safety. They make meaningful eye contact.

Michael Bay and the neighbor chick make it to the dark room they were supposed to be in with only 1 minute left to stop what they were supposed to stop. The dark room is creepy and ominous, but Michael Bay forges on slowly. Suddenly, out of a fold in the darkness, a highly skilled ninja pounces on Michael Bay! Michael Bay fights the ninja using only his street smarts and his shady

past to guide him. The neighbor chick stands by and watches helplessly from the sidelines while not looking for the light switch. Miraculously, Michael Bay narrowly escapes each deathly blow except for one. The one at the end. Michael Bay somehow survives the deathly blow and kicks the ninja once. The ninja is down, and so is his plane!

Now Michael Bay can focus on stopping what he was supposed to stop. “Oh no!” cries the neighbor chick. “8 minutes ago, there was only 1 minute left to save the world! We’re out of time!” “It’s okay,” says Michael Bay, confidence oozing down his cheekbone crevices. “We still have 12 seconds left.” Michael Bay slowly and deliberately pushes the spacebar on his computer, effectively stopping the inexplicable explosions that were taking place in the movie he was editing. His movie.

Michael Bay and the neighbor chick look at each other. It’s over. They almost died several times and their skin is extremely shiny, but it couldn't have been too bad because there are no signs of blood. Will their bonding over this set of highly unlikely circumstances be enough for the neighbor chick to overcome the fact that she would never actually be attracted to Michael Bay otherwise?

Only a Linkin Park song and a sunset can say.

LENS FLARE WIPE!

A Diary Entry By Rachel Zoe

Dear Diary,

Today was the longest Fashion Week ever. I was at work, trying to get Taylor to get Armani to get a dress for Cameron Diaz when literally, my world came crashing down in accessory pieces all over the ground. I was literally on the floor standing up with my feet on the floor and lying down on the couch with my feet in the air. I was so overwhelmed with dizzy feelings like all of a sudden and I was just like could not work.

After I woke up from falling asleep on seven throw pillows, Rodge took me to the doctor and she said I had vertigo, which is like the worst thing you can have in the history of sicknesses because you don’t know how long it’s going to last. At least if you have cancer you know how long you have it. The doctor person told me I should take it easy for a while, which means I can’t freak out over celebrity dress wearers, which makes me die. But not like, die die like I would over anything Lagerfeld does, but die as in I die.

So I didn’t go to work with my body there, but I started working on this exhibit thing that would give away my jewelry and sell it for the benefit of cancer people. I had to pick jewelry to give away, which was difficult because all of my jewelry pieces say stories about me. But it was okay because I still have most percent of my jewelry

I’m like, bananas glad that I had this show because being deathly ill with vertigo really made me appreciate cancer people with a similar sickness.

Thx for letting me keep my thoughts all over you, D. I’m texting Tay Tay right now to send you a thank you garment. I can’t tell Brad to do work because he’s the fun one.

Xoxzoe,
Rache