The Typical Day of Michael Bay

Every day, Michael Bay wakes up to an eyeful of lens flare. There is no sun or window in his line of vision that could create a lens flare, but he had one artificially installed so he could wake up to what he thinks is a visually stimulating sight. He throws his leather bed sheets in the wash because they’re riddled with orange smudges from the full body makeup he wears to look tan. He washes his face, then covers it in baby oil so the sun will hit every bit of stubble in just the right way.

Michael Bay walks outside and makes awkward yet polite conversation with the long-haired brunette neighbor who is watering the lawn in a white dress. Also, she’s the love of his live and also, she’s conveniently located right next door to him. He offers to help her but accidentally sprays her with water in the process. He apologizes profusely but doesn’t turn off the water or take his eyes off her. Then her douchebag fiancé comes out. Him and his football jersey get wet too. Everybody’s moist. Michael Bay leaves, embarrassed, and that’s how you know you’re supposed to like him.

Michael Bay begins his morning commute. The radio announces something ominous and foreboding, but Michael Bay changes the station to a Linkin Park song. Everything is normal normal normal normalnormalthensuddenly EXPLOSION! Michael Bay swerves to avoid hitting attractive pedestrians, old people in wheelchairs, the neighbor chick (who somehow walked 3 miles from her house to here in 5 minutes) and a puppy. Michael Bay jumps out of his car moments before it explodes and lands in a bed of carnations. His radio lands next to him and he hears that Los Angeles is in a crisis because someone is exploding things for no reason! What kind of sick uncreative bastard would do such a thing? Michael Bay doesn’t know, but clearly it’s up to him, a regular person, to save everyone and not call the cops.

Michael Bay looks around and sees that the neighbor chick’s dress is on fire so he repeatedly throws himself against her until it goes out. He quickly grabs the neighbor chick and pulls her onto the motorcycle he now has and knows how to ride. “Clearly the solution to this problem is somewhere in America, but all the way across town from where we are right now.” Then he gives her a carnation. She tells him she’ll help, disobeying direct orders from her father. Problem is, now they have to meet several semi-interesting characters on the way to across town. All these characters will be good-looking experts on anything they need to know about everything that’s happening to them. At first they won’t want to help Michael Bay because he storms into their lab and is all like “The world is ending, you have to help us!” and they don’t believe him because his outfit is dirty and he used clever trickery to get past security. But then someone they care about dies or almost dies, so they decide to help him after all. All the while, things continue to explode inexplicably, each instance even more inexplicable than the last.

Somehow, Michael Bay and neighbor chick make it to the place they’re supposed to be with negative 3 gallons of gas left in the tank, a flat tire, and a kid. Michael Bay tells the kid to stay put so that he and neighbor chick can run in slow motion while holding hands. They jump over the moat of lava that protects the building and land in a sandbox. As soon as they get out of the sandbox, the sandbox explodes! Michael Bay: “We gotta move quick! The solution is on the 5th floor. Clearly the best way to get there is to not take the stairs or the elevator, but to use this grappling hook and struggle to climb up.” Michael Bay fires the grappling hook he had in his pocket this whole time and starts to climb up, followed by the neighbor chick. Suddenly, the rope explodes right by the neighbor chick! She is now holding on to dear life by the thread of Michael Bay’s wispy leg. “Your leather pants are too slippery! I can’t hold on much longer!” she cries. Just then the neighbor chick’s skirt explodes, but instead of killing her, the explosion catapults her to the 5th floor. She then pulls Michael Bay up to safety. They make meaningful eye contact.

Michael Bay and the neighbor chick make it to the dark room they were supposed to be in with only 1 minute left to stop what they were supposed to stop. The dark room is creepy and ominous, but Michael Bay forges on slowly. Suddenly, out of a fold in the darkness, a highly skilled ninja pounces on Michael Bay! Michael Bay fights the ninja using only his street smarts and his shady

past to guide him. The neighbor chick stands by and watches helplessly from the sidelines while not looking for the light switch. Miraculously, Michael Bay narrowly escapes each deathly blow except for one. The one at the end. Michael Bay somehow survives the deathly blow and kicks the ninja once. The ninja is down, and so is his plane!

Now Michael Bay can focus on stopping what he was supposed to stop. “Oh no!” cries the neighbor chick. “8 minutes ago, there was only 1 minute left to save the world! We’re out of time!” “It’s okay,” says Michael Bay, confidence oozing down his cheekbone crevices. “We still have 12 seconds left.” Michael Bay slowly and deliberately pushes the spacebar on his computer, effectively stopping the inexplicable explosions that were taking place in the movie he was editing. His movie.

Michael Bay and the neighbor chick look at each other. It’s over. They almost died several times and their skin is extremely shiny, but it couldn't have been too bad because there are no signs of blood. Will their bonding over this set of highly unlikely circumstances be enough for the neighbor chick to overcome the fact that she would never actually be attracted to Michael Bay otherwise?

Only a Linkin Park song and a sunset can say.

LENS FLARE WIPE!