Recession? Bring it on.

Everyone's been talking about the recession. "There's been a lot of cutbacks at work because of the recession." "Toothpaste doubled in price. Must be the recession." "My mom won't let me play outside because of the recession."

People are treating the recession like it's an epidemic. Wake up folks. This has happened multiple times in history. The problem is we have been sheltered for so long we don't know how to take the financial punches when they come. Don't get me wrong, the recession sucks balls. I can easily name 10 people I know personally that's out of work, not including me. But this recession is here to stay, at least for the next few years. Now it's time to sit back at look at the perks of this recession.

1. The Recession Diet: More effective than Weight Watchers, cheaper than Jenny Craig. I lost 10 pounds in 3 months following the recession diet. And it didn't just work for me; it has worked for all of my friends that followed it.

Here's what you do: 1) Lose your job. 2) Settle for a part time job as a waitress/barista/cashier at a cafe or restaurant. 3) Live off of free food you can sneak out of the kitchen; most places it's usually bread or celery. 4) Treat yourself every once in a while. Make a "mistake" when taking an order. Try to limit it to once every other week so it won't seem like you suck at your job.

If you can't find restaurant work, or just don't want to, there are alternative plans. Go to all your local fast food joints collect all the crackers, ketchup, hot sauce, and ranch you can find. Boom! Sandwiches for days. When guests come over, offer them as hors d'oeuvres.
*The key to this diet is realizing that you were once eating like a fat ass and that you really don't need to eat 3000 calories a day. Save your life...and your wallet.

2. Improve your love life: What's the cheapest form of entertainment? Sex. It's practically free. Unless you're in Amsterdam.

According to Trojan® Brand Condoms, condom sales are up 5% over last year. Are Americans turning into sluts? No, that happened 10 years ago with the rise of Britney Spears and skimpy Halloween costumes. The fact is people are just bored and broke, and sex is just...there.

3. Stop and smell the roses: Life is beautiful. And it's doesn't cost a dime to appreciate it. Just take a walk outside. Look at the view of the valley from a hilltop. Listen to the pigeons coo. There's more to life than fancy cars and limited edition Nikes and Louis Vuitton purses. And when did jeans become so damn expensive?

Now that you've lost your job and have all this free time, try to enjoy it a little. Spend a little QT with your friends and family. Play a rousing game of Monopoly. Go hiking at a local park. If your friends think that's lame, then they're not your real friends. It's time to replace them with robots.