Avatar was fun, so let's make fun of it!

Spoiler alert! Reading this might spoil the movie for you. Also, there are spoilers.

Symbolism!

For the past couple of days I've been trying to figure out why I can't bring myself to jump on the Avatar bandwagon. Yes, the effects were good...but does knowing that the effects were supposed to be "revolutionary" influence our opinion of the movie? If James Cameron had spent the $300 million on an actual set and gallons blue body paint, would we still like the movie? Because the movie was kind of a joke before anyone saw the effects. You can tell because there was a South Park episode about it. Does the knowledge that James Cameron has an ego the size of the Titanic (har har) prevent me from liking the movie? (Answer: probably not, seeing as Kanye's songs are still popular enough to earn a spot on Now 38.)

To me, the 3D experience was nauseating, unnecessary, and only made me more aware of the fact that I was watching a movie. (Hey everyone! Let's throw in a close up of CG dirt flying towards camera. That way, the audience will feel like giant dirt is hurtling to their faces. Studies show that this is the best 3D experience we can create. Dirt party in yo face!) The movie just felt like every person was on a different Photoshop layer. Thus, the visual effects weren't enough to keep me from thinking that the love story made me uncomfortable, Jake drifted between an American and an Australian accent, and the Na'vi probably use those tentacles in their braids at some point when they mate.

I know what you're thinking. "If Jake and Neytiri's interspecies love for each other made you uncomfortable, then you're racist." Am I? Would it be racist if James Cameron hadn't cast the Na'vi with black actors (and one Native American)? No. Maybe. But that still takes me down from racist to insensitive, and I'm okay with that.

I won't deny that the action sequences were intense and enjoyable. I also won't deny that unobtainium seems like a lazy name for an unobtainable mineral that's actually obtainable if you're a terrible person. Also, I'm not sure if it's a mineral cuz Sam Rockwell is basically like "This is my floating unobtainium thing. It's expensive and necessary. Risk everyone's lives to get it" and no further explanation of the point of the whole movie is needed. Apparently they allude to the fact that the Earth is in shambles for like 2 seconds in the beginning of the movie...you know, during the part when you're still trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And apparently they say that the unobtainium can save the Earth...you know, during the part when you're still trying to figure out when they said that Earth needed saving.

You also deduce that at some point the Na'vi and the humans were BFF's, but now they aren't for some reason. Oops, I shouldn't say humans--I should say Americans, because even though the entire Earth is in shambles, it is clearly up to the Americans to save it by themselves. And Jake agrees to do the avatar program because it pays a lot of money and apparently the economy is still in the dumps $300 million years into the future. (So we're poor and in shambles. Why are they trying to save the Earth again?)

So Jake's mind goes into his avatar's body and gets lost in the glow in the dark forest and Neytiri wants to kill him but doesn't because a floating jellyfish lands on her arrow. So she takes him back to her people because the jellyfish was a sign. At first the Na'vi are like "No, the dreamwalkers are terrible" and Jake is like "But I'm a warrior" and they're like "Oh. Well that changes things. You should totally learn how to be exactly like us and we will gain nothing in return." (Or will they?)

So Jake takes alien lessons and is somehow better at being an alien than the actual aliens (to quote videogum). Blah blah blah, love story blossoms, colors of the wind...basically the Americans want Jake to convince the Na'vi to let them farm the unobtainium that's growing under the Home Tree, which is...the tree...that is...home to the Na'vi. (James Cameron comes up with the best names for things!) And the Na'vi won't budge because they love nature and everything means something more than what it is. So the Americans take down the home tree and kill a bunch of Na'vi in the process and the Na'vi flee to their other sacred tree. Their third sacred tree. Their first sacred tree got killed earlier because the evil Colonel felt like taking it down...? So...they're on their last sacred tree.

You would think that with the Home Tree down and the Na'vi gone, the Americans would then obtain the unobtainium, seeing as that was the point of everything ever in this movie. But no...they plan an attack on the Na'vi at their third sacred tree because the Americans want to crush their spirit for reasons unknown. Hooray America!

And then Sigourney Weaver dies. Yeah. She gets shot when she was human and the Na'vi try to use their unity power to transfer her mind to her avatar body, because this is the first time something like this has happened and they know they can do that. For some reason, they had to take off her clothes and cover her in leaves (barely) to do it. One would think that would take precious minutes away from her already dwindling life, but you can't argue with gratuitous old people nudity.

So the Na'vi prepare for battle and enlist the help of 15 other alien tribes that suddenly exist because Jake can ride the orange pterodactyl, which basically means he's the BEST AROUND and everyone should listen to him. Then the Na'vi paint themselves with day-glo war paint because it makes perfect sense to attract as much attention to yourself as possible when in battle.

Floating mountains I can fathom,

but where is the waterfall water coming from?

Exciting action sequence ensues! The Na'vi are kind of losing, but the alien animals help them out just in the nick of time because the third sacred tree told them to do it. It's kind of like the Heart power Ma-ti had in Captain Planet. The Na'vi win. The Americans go to their crappy home. Jake converts to Na'vism. A wannabe "My Heart Will Go On" song by Leona Lewis plays in the background while credits scroll. The credits are in 3D for some reason. They might have used papyrus for the credits...I don't know...but the papyrus font was definitely used too much throughout the movie. Way to make the future feel like a wedding invitation from 2001, James Cameron.

And that's how Sue C's it. Maybe if you went to the movie for the visual effects, you left it satisfied. I go to movies expecting to make fun of them, so I guess I was satisfied too. I'm not anti-Avatar, but I don't think JC should get an Oscar, either. It's possible that I don't want to jump on the Avatar bandwagon because not jumping on bandwagons makes me feel smarter, or because I have too much time on my hands so I spend it overthinking things like this, or because I've been reading too much Chuck Klosterman. For a brief period of time I wanted to like the movie, but then I realized it was only because people I liked liked the movie. But I can have friends and dislike movies at the same time, and so can you.

But you can't have friends and like movies at the same time. That's different.