The Sexiest Game

Ladies, are you looking for some eye candy willing to do anything you say? Fellas, do you seek a promiscuous woman looking for a good time (and not a committed relationship)?

Well get your hunting gear ready, because you're on the prowl with...

COUGARLIFE.com! Rawr!!!

Here experienced cougars can find virile cubs ready to get wild. Grrrrr!

Meet Its_McLovin, a 19 year old guy who wants "someone to bone down with...spend a night or two hot and heavy between the sheets."

A little too blunt for you? He is only 19 after all. Perhaps someone a little more poetic, like Loveoc, a 23 year old Gemini looking for "that girl that will rock my world." Deep stuff.

Looking for a long term relationship? Forget about it. Maybe you'll have better luck on eHarmony. Everyone on Cougarlife knows what they want, and they want it now. Like what Just_Lust says in her byline "Isn't that why we're all here?" These cougars ain't got all the time in the world, they got too much shit to deal with. Careers. Families. Menopause.

Take MaterialMOM, so proud of her children her byline reads "I'm the mother of a slunt." You can probably guess who her daughter takes after.

Anyone can have their pick of the litter (no pun intended). Looking for a hot divorcee that runs a successful law firm? Got it. Or perhaps a young surfer with no real paying job but abs of steel? Got that too. Women can get their freak on and not worry about their partner breaking a hip. Guys can have gratuitous sex and not worry about their partner getting knocked up.

So pop open a bottle of champagne, bust out your softest velour sheets, and put some Kenny G on the record player. Sexy time starts now.

Top V-Day Gifts of 2010

Alright guys, Valentine's Day is just around the corner. Time to break open your piggy bank, dig between your couch cushions, and scrape up any spare change you got to get your honey a little token of affection. This year, why not stray away from the usual fare of flowers and chocolates and get her something extra special?

1. When a card just isn't enough...


Has your lady been bugging you for a shitzipoo puppy? Well if you can't afford a $2000 genetically engineered crossbreed, you can still tell her "I love you" with fake dog crap. When she wakes up and finds this message of poo waiting for her on the floor, maybe she'll rethink about getting that dog.

2. Spice up the bedroom


Victoria's Secrets? Please, that is soooooo last decade. Nothing says sexy like a full coverage footie pajama from Pajamagram. Velour is the newest afrodisiac. Bonus: it comes with a hoodie!

3. For the jealous type...


If you've been having trust issues in your relationship, technology has the cure: the modern day chastity belt! This full lingerie set comes with a negligee, panty, and GPS tracking system. She'll love that you'll stop badgering her with accusations, and all you need is a smartphone or laptop to keep track of your woman 24/7.

What, this? Oh. That's just my iPhone.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it was gonna be one of those days where everything changes forever and you realize what's truly important in life. As I got dressed and prepared for the day, birds chrpimg outside and unsupervised children laughing in the streets, I could feel something amazing growing deep within me.

That feeling was the sweet satisfaction of knowing I was getting an iPhone.

That's right bitches! Capital P, lowercase i. Read it and weep into your broken Blackberry trackball!

No longer will I have to wait until I get home to upload the picture of the bum I saw sitting outside ralphs. I can let everyone know exactly what I'm doing as I'm doing it. No longer will i have to watch TV on my 2 year old 72 inch flatscreen. I can use the YouTube app to watch kittens riding a roomba on my brand new 3.5 inch lcd screen. No longer will i have to waste my life tapping away on my fossil of a keyboard. I only need 2 fingers to use my ihpne key oars...and sometimes it even fills in the words for you!

I feel like I finally belong to an exclusive, ultramodern, elite club that has millions of members who can buy their way into it at anytime. This must be what Scientologists feel like every day. Like, today I went to the Apple store and flashed my iPhone like it was a costco membership card, and one of the employees came right up to me and was like, "Can I help you with anything?" He knew who I was. And I was like "Yeah, I need an iPhone case. Nothing too flashy, just something and ergonomic with a rubberized grip. Something see-thru so you can see the apple logo." He showed me exactly where they were and we talked iPhone case logistics for like 30 minutes.

I can't describe what it feels like to meet a complete stranger and connect with them instantly, simply because you have the same phone. It's kind of like meeting people when you're drunk, only you've been drinking from the digital cup in the iBeer app. At some point while we were bonding over how frustrating it is when you press the return key instead of delete, a non-iPhone person interrupted our conversation so she could buy an iTunes gift card. When she was done the employee and I exchanged knowing looks and I said, "Boy, what a piece of dust under your screen protector!" and we laughed for another 30 minutes and started a Words With Friends game and became Facebook friends right there on the spot.

After I left the apple store, I wandered through the mall and noticed that I had to walk through 4 or 5 annoying solicitors in order to get to the store I wanted to go to. But thanks to my trusty iPhone I was able to pretend I was preoccupied with some tedious web browsing and simply couldn’t partake in their free massages or Jesus pamphlets.

As I sit here typing this blog entry with 2 fingers, I can't help but think that thanks to the iPhone, no one has to know that I'm writing as I go to the bathroom except for the other women in the Glendale galleria public restroom. And they hardly matter, because they don't have an ihpine.


Sent from my iPhone

Rock the Vote...but not your bed

Prostitution has finally reached a new level! Before, sex was exchanged for money or drugs. Now it can seen as an honorable, intelligent practice; it's being used to push political agendas:



This is propaganda at its finest; it's pretty much sitting on the border of brainwash. The ad is so brazen, I honestly thought it was a joke. But it's for reals, y'all. Not down with ObamaCare? Not only are you racist, but you're not getting any. Loser.

The funny thing is there is no vote to rock. The health care bill has already been passed by Congress (though it hasn't actually been written yet). They're just trying to get everyone's blessing so people won't raise hell when they realize half of their paycheck is gone. But why all the hardcore lobbying? I believe the harder you sell, the shittier the product. And that's probably what our new health care system is going to be: a super shitty as-seen-on-TV product with no refunds or exchanges. And it's not only 3 easy payments of $19.99.

And isn't the point of educating yourself is to learn all the facts and make your OWN decision based on that? Well according to the peeps at Rock the Vote, "education" means to agree with whatever they think. If you have read all the facts and still disagree with them, not only are you a racist virgin, but you're also stupid.

I have to admit, the no-nookie tactic can be pretty effective. Withholding sex has been used by women for years to get what they want. But now His Majesty is encouraging humans to use the power of manipulation for his gain. His target audience: people ages 18-30, aka the "people most affected by health care" (funny, I thought it would be old people and children). Why? Is it because we're the largest demographic in the work force? Is it because after Obama's campaign we have a newfound interest in politics? Perhaps it's because "those who have youth on their side control the future".

That last quote was from Adolf Hitler.

ROCKIN' TRAILERS PERIOD PIECES KICKASS NOTHING!

Dude bro. Dude. Bro. I am about to show you the best thing ever made in the history of things that were made.

DUDE! BRO! Doesn't this make you want to destruct things?! You can't sit through these trailers and not want to fight your best friend. I cannot tell you how much I fucking love trailers for period pieces set to rock music where no one says anything. It's like, my three favorite things all rolled into one thing. 1.) Trailers. They show you all the best parts but you don't have to sit through the whole thing. I wish women were more like trailers. 2.) Rock music. A fucking awesome combo of sounds that get you PUMPED. I wish women combos were more like rock music. 3.) No one says anything. I wish women were more like not saying anything.

I don't really give a crap about the whole period piece thing. I'm pretty sure history was just invented by smart people so that they can have conversations with other people who aren't their age. But that's stupid because that's what "The Simpsons" is for! And I know rock music wasn't around for that time period, but if rock music wasn't in the trailer, I wouldn't know I'm supposed to like the movie. Like, I know I won't like indie films because the music in the trailers are fucking gentle and acoustic and shit. That music makes me feel like I'm rubbing a tampon on a balloon under a waterfall. This music makes me feel like I'm thrusting a stalagmite through a dragon's heart in my girlfriend's dad's bedroom. P.S. I'm shirtless.

My girlfriend thinks I should learn about history so that I know what not to do. But after watching these trailers, I'm pretty sure history will only teach me exactly what it is I want to do, and that is KICK SOME ASS WHILE FUCKING METALLICA PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

I wish women didn't have period pieces.

Avatar was fun, so let's make fun of it!

Spoiler alert! Reading this might spoil the movie for you. Also, there are spoilers.

Symbolism!

For the past couple of days I've been trying to figure out why I can't bring myself to jump on the Avatar bandwagon. Yes, the effects were good...but does knowing that the effects were supposed to be "revolutionary" influence our opinion of the movie? If James Cameron had spent the $300 million on an actual set and gallons blue body paint, would we still like the movie? Because the movie was kind of a joke before anyone saw the effects. You can tell because there was a South Park episode about it. Does the knowledge that James Cameron has an ego the size of the Titanic (har har) prevent me from liking the movie? (Answer: probably not, seeing as Kanye's songs are still popular enough to earn a spot on Now 38.)

To me, the 3D experience was nauseating, unnecessary, and only made me more aware of the fact that I was watching a movie. (Hey everyone! Let's throw in a close up of CG dirt flying towards camera. That way, the audience will feel like giant dirt is hurtling to their faces. Studies show that this is the best 3D experience we can create. Dirt party in yo face!) The movie just felt like every person was on a different Photoshop layer. Thus, the visual effects weren't enough to keep me from thinking that the love story made me uncomfortable, Jake drifted between an American and an Australian accent, and the Na'vi probably use those tentacles in their braids at some point when they mate.

I know what you're thinking. "If Jake and Neytiri's interspecies love for each other made you uncomfortable, then you're racist." Am I? Would it be racist if James Cameron hadn't cast the Na'vi with black actors (and one Native American)? No. Maybe. But that still takes me down from racist to insensitive, and I'm okay with that.

I won't deny that the action sequences were intense and enjoyable. I also won't deny that unobtainium seems like a lazy name for an unobtainable mineral that's actually obtainable if you're a terrible person. Also, I'm not sure if it's a mineral cuz Sam Rockwell is basically like "This is my floating unobtainium thing. It's expensive and necessary. Risk everyone's lives to get it" and no further explanation of the point of the whole movie is needed. Apparently they allude to the fact that the Earth is in shambles for like 2 seconds in the beginning of the movie...you know, during the part when you're still trying to figure out what the hell is going on. And apparently they say that the unobtainium can save the Earth...you know, during the part when you're still trying to figure out when they said that Earth needed saving.

You also deduce that at some point the Na'vi and the humans were BFF's, but now they aren't for some reason. Oops, I shouldn't say humans--I should say Americans, because even though the entire Earth is in shambles, it is clearly up to the Americans to save it by themselves. And Jake agrees to do the avatar program because it pays a lot of money and apparently the economy is still in the dumps $300 million years into the future. (So we're poor and in shambles. Why are they trying to save the Earth again?)

So Jake's mind goes into his avatar's body and gets lost in the glow in the dark forest and Neytiri wants to kill him but doesn't because a floating jellyfish lands on her arrow. So she takes him back to her people because the jellyfish was a sign. At first the Na'vi are like "No, the dreamwalkers are terrible" and Jake is like "But I'm a warrior" and they're like "Oh. Well that changes things. You should totally learn how to be exactly like us and we will gain nothing in return." (Or will they?)

So Jake takes alien lessons and is somehow better at being an alien than the actual aliens (to quote videogum). Blah blah blah, love story blossoms, colors of the wind...basically the Americans want Jake to convince the Na'vi to let them farm the unobtainium that's growing under the Home Tree, which is...the tree...that is...home to the Na'vi. (James Cameron comes up with the best names for things!) And the Na'vi won't budge because they love nature and everything means something more than what it is. So the Americans take down the home tree and kill a bunch of Na'vi in the process and the Na'vi flee to their other sacred tree. Their third sacred tree. Their first sacred tree got killed earlier because the evil Colonel felt like taking it down...? So...they're on their last sacred tree.

You would think that with the Home Tree down and the Na'vi gone, the Americans would then obtain the unobtainium, seeing as that was the point of everything ever in this movie. But no...they plan an attack on the Na'vi at their third sacred tree because the Americans want to crush their spirit for reasons unknown. Hooray America!

And then Sigourney Weaver dies. Yeah. She gets shot when she was human and the Na'vi try to use their unity power to transfer her mind to her avatar body, because this is the first time something like this has happened and they know they can do that. For some reason, they had to take off her clothes and cover her in leaves (barely) to do it. One would think that would take precious minutes away from her already dwindling life, but you can't argue with gratuitous old people nudity.

So the Na'vi prepare for battle and enlist the help of 15 other alien tribes that suddenly exist because Jake can ride the orange pterodactyl, which basically means he's the BEST AROUND and everyone should listen to him. Then the Na'vi paint themselves with day-glo war paint because it makes perfect sense to attract as much attention to yourself as possible when in battle.

Floating mountains I can fathom,

but where is the waterfall water coming from?

Exciting action sequence ensues! The Na'vi are kind of losing, but the alien animals help them out just in the nick of time because the third sacred tree told them to do it. It's kind of like the Heart power Ma-ti had in Captain Planet. The Na'vi win. The Americans go to their crappy home. Jake converts to Na'vism. A wannabe "My Heart Will Go On" song by Leona Lewis plays in the background while credits scroll. The credits are in 3D for some reason. They might have used papyrus for the credits...I don't know...but the papyrus font was definitely used too much throughout the movie. Way to make the future feel like a wedding invitation from 2001, James Cameron.

And that's how Sue C's it. Maybe if you went to the movie for the visual effects, you left it satisfied. I go to movies expecting to make fun of them, so I guess I was satisfied too. I'm not anti-Avatar, but I don't think JC should get an Oscar, either. It's possible that I don't want to jump on the Avatar bandwagon because not jumping on bandwagons makes me feel smarter, or because I have too much time on my hands so I spend it overthinking things like this, or because I've been reading too much Chuck Klosterman. For a brief period of time I wanted to like the movie, but then I realized it was only because people I liked liked the movie. But I can have friends and dislike movies at the same time, and so can you.

But you can't have friends and like movies at the same time. That's different.

Ode to 7-11

A poem in four quatrains by Michelle McMillan

There is a place where time stands still
It's like another dimension
Where the minutes drift and seconds fly
It's called 7-11

Here in this home to confections and treats
You find yourself in munchies heaven
Your cup of Slurpee overfloweth
In the land of 7-11

Inside there holidays cease to exist
Night and day become frozen
So you can fill your lot with beer and cigs
Within the doors of 7-11

So rise ye from thine couches and beds
From thy stupor ye shall awaken
And traverse to a world full of wonder and awe
The world of 7-11