ROCKIN' TRAILERS PERIOD PIECES KICKASS NOTHING!

Dude bro. Dude. Bro. I am about to show you the best thing ever made in the history of things that were made.

DUDE! BRO! Doesn't this make you want to destruct things?! You can't sit through these trailers and not want to fight your best friend. I cannot tell you how much I fucking love trailers for period pieces set to rock music where no one says anything. It's like, my three favorite things all rolled into one thing. 1.) Trailers. They show you all the best parts but you don't have to sit through the whole thing. I wish women were more like trailers. 2.) Rock music. A fucking awesome combo of sounds that get you PUMPED. I wish women combos were more like rock music. 3.) No one says anything. I wish women were more like not saying anything.

I don't really give a crap about the whole period piece thing. I'm pretty sure history was just invented by smart people so that they can have conversations with other people who aren't their age. But that's stupid because that's what "The Simpsons" is for! And I know rock music wasn't around for that time period, but if rock music wasn't in the trailer, I wouldn't know I'm supposed to like the movie. Like, I know I won't like indie films because the music in the trailers are fucking gentle and acoustic and shit. That music makes me feel like I'm rubbing a tampon on a balloon under a waterfall. This music makes me feel like I'm thrusting a stalagmite through a dragon's heart in my girlfriend's dad's bedroom. P.S. I'm shirtless.

My girlfriend thinks I should learn about history so that I know what not to do. But after watching these trailers, I'm pretty sure history will only teach me exactly what it is I want to do, and that is KICK SOME ASS WHILE FUCKING METALLICA PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

I wish women didn't have period pieces.

Who CASTS these things?!

The trailer for Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans:

Upon watching this trailer, my first thought is not "This movie looks absolutely terrible and my parents will probably go watch it." It is not "Wow, Xzibit's real name is Alvin. What kind of name is Xzibit?" It's not even "We've been watching Nicolas Cage go through a midlife crisis via bad movies for the past 3 years.  Enough already."

The thing that makes this movie completely unconvincing and negates any kind of empathy anyone could have towards Nicolas Cage's character is the fact that EVA MENDES was cast as NICOLAS CAGE'S WIFE.

Who would go with that?!

I miiiiight have been okay with this if this was the first time this has happened. But no. Diane Kruger was his love interest in National Treasure.  And the worst case of the bunch: Jessica Biel was his love interest in Next.  I remember reading this screenplay before the movie was released and thinking "Nicolas Cage?! Keanu Reeves would do a better job!"  That's how bad that decision was. Fun fact: A steamy sex scene was originally written for Jessica and Nick Cage's characters. It must've gotten cut on the grounds that it would have made everyone extremely uncomfortable had they seen it.  They are 18 years apart.  He's old enough to be her accidental father.  I'm sure there are like 5 more Nick Cage movies in which his love interest is a thousand leagues out of his league, but I haven't watched any of them because I'm not a masochist.

Aaaand I just found out that this isn't the first time Eva Mendes was cast as Nick Cage's love interest. She played his ex-girlfriend in Ghost Rider. This does not justify the Bad Lieutenant situation one bit. Maybe she's hoping for some industry cred for taking on the difficult role of Someone Who's Attracted to Nicolas Cage. Little does she know she'll have to play George Lopez's straight-to-TV wife as well in order to truly earn that cred.

I am now waiting for the day when Dakota Fanning will play Nicolas Cage's estranged wife. The role would be her ticket to finally getting an Oscar.