Who WOULDN'T want this? People who aren't straight, that's who.

Oh man, bro, you won't believe what I just found out about. Seriously, you will shit all the rhinestone studs out of your jeans when u find out what unbelievably awesome thing I'm totally getting and ur not. So, I was bored out of my mind at this funeral my girlfriend dragged me to and pissed that she wouldn't let me wear my new Ed Hardy jeans (even tho they were black!), so I stopped talking to people and started playing with my iPhone. After I finished watching all the YouTube clips that came up when I searched "hot chicks tigers awesome bikini jump," I started checking my email and this amazing fucker came up:

Ed Hardy styling tools?! FUCK THE HELL YEAH! Dude, how fly will it be to blow dry my hair with a tattooed blow dryer that says "Love Kills Slowly" on it. That shit is so relevant. You can't tell me that won't be tight. If you do anything other than agree with me, ur so gay. Yeah, I know I found out about this because I'm on the email list for Ulta. So what? My blow dryer has a skull on it. What does yours have? A fucking Revlon label? Yeah, that's what I thought.

And how much ass am I gonna get when I give my girlfriend a hair straightener with a fucking geisha on it. She's gonna be so grateful, she's gonna sweat all her sunless tanner off onto my sunless tanned body. You know what I mean. She's gonna put on the Ed Hardy lingerie I gave her for her birthday, and it's gonna get so rough that all the flame embroidery will come undone and we're gonna forget that we're 41 and 38 years old. That Ed Hardy guy is a genius. I mean, what better way to motivate chicks to keep their hair straight than to put an Asian chick on a straightener, right? Asian hair is like, straighter than I insist on acting like I am.

I'm so ready for these styling tools, bro. See the 30 inch tiger busting out of a stabbed heart on my Ed Hardy shirt? That's what I feel like right now. I'm about to pound a Rockstar, rip another 1/8 inch hole into my shirt, and bust into Ulta with $200 cash to pay for this Ed Hardy shit. Whaddaya mean that's too much money? They're on fucking sale! Tell ya what: why don't you go home to your Revlon styling tools and see if a non-Ed Hardy straightener is enough to make YOU straight. If u need me, you can find me at Ulta, bitch.

A Diary Entry By Rachel Zoe

Dear Diary,

Today was the longest Fashion Week ever. I was at work, trying to get Taylor to get Armani to get a dress for Cameron Diaz when literally, my world came crashing down in accessory pieces all over the ground. I was literally on the floor standing up with my feet on the floor and lying down on the couch with my feet in the air. I was so overwhelmed with dizzy feelings like all of a sudden and I was just like could not work.

After I woke up from falling asleep on seven throw pillows, Rodge took me to the doctor and she said I had vertigo, which is like the worst thing you can have in the history of sicknesses because you don’t know how long it’s going to last. At least if you have cancer you know how long you have it. The doctor person told me I should take it easy for a while, which means I can’t freak out over celebrity dress wearers, which makes me die. But not like, die die like I would over anything Lagerfeld does, but die as in I die.

So I didn’t go to work with my body there, but I started working on this exhibit thing that would give away my jewelry and sell it for the benefit of cancer people. I had to pick jewelry to give away, which was difficult because all of my jewelry pieces say stories about me. But it was okay because I still have most percent of my jewelry

I’m like, bananas glad that I had this show because being deathly ill with vertigo really made me appreciate cancer people with a similar sickness.

Thx for letting me keep my thoughts all over you, D. I’m texting Tay Tay right now to send you a thank you garment. I can’t tell Brad to do work because he’s the fun one.

Xoxzoe,
Rache